SheKnowsNow

He had the best smile and a laugh that made you laugh too, even when you were mad. He was charming, a real smooth talker. Somehow, you’d walk away from an argument thinking you were the problem, and he’d just smile like he did you a favor. Manipulative? Absolutely. Impressive? Unfortunately, yes.

He loved catching waves and chasing the ocean breeze on his surfboard. Me? I preferred solid ground, running miles with both feet planted, just trying to clear my head. We stayed active in our own ways, I guess. His looked a lot freer. Mine just felt more real.

I appreciated how he was always introducing me to something new, and in the beginning, I was fully engaged, curious, and happy to learn from him. But it didn’t take long before those “lessons” turned into control. What started as guidance slowly morphed into a growing list of rules, and suddenly, I was being managed, not loved.

 Three recycling bins turned into seven. Quick grocery runs turned into full-blown expeditions across four or five stores because, apparently, Walmart had the “cheapest” bananas, Costco was only good for eggs and milk, Sprouts had the “superior” apples, and so on.  And camping? Not so fun anymore. He swapped out plastic utensils for real silverware (for the environment, of course)… which meant I was stuck washing forks in the dark while he “supervised” by the fire.

Hangers had to face a certain way, and clothes were color-coded and sorted by category—shirts, polos, you name it. Even the underwear had rules: folded and separated by elastic—tight or loose. As if I didn’t already have laundry for three other people, four cats to feed, and a house with four rooms to clean. 

Looking back, I wasn’t even married to this guy, yet there I was cooking three meals a day, chauffeuring kids across opposite ends of school districts, working part-time, and playing housewife for free. Yep, an idiot… I’m admitting it. They say when you love someone, you’ll endure just about anything, even when it hurts, even when it breaks you. And that’s the tragedy about love.

Sometimes it felt like he kept adding more rules, almost as if he were testing how much I could take pushing me to my breaking point on purpose. Like he was waiting for me to explode or give up, so I’d be the one to walk away. I didn’t see it then, but turns out, there’s a whole pattern. Men are geniuses. Apparently they are conning us all “Make her miserable enough to leave so we don’t have to.” That way, skip the uncomfortable conversations, dodge any guilt and don’t label us the bad guys.

Anyway, I stayed longer than I probably should have, clinging to the hope that I was “the one.” Five years in, with time slipping through my fingers, it stopped feeling like love and started feeling like a burden. No commitment, no true partnership. That’s not love, that’s a lesson. I kept telling myself, I’ve invested so much already, so where’s the damn return on investment? Joke’s on me, I was delusional, realizing I was the placeholder. The truth? I had nothing left to prove.

The moment I finally walked away was the moment I actually saw my worth. Though it did take countless silent nights, tears on my pillow, and way too many sad playlists on repeat to get there. Funny how healing works sometimes.

He was the man who set all the rules but never gave me the ring. And, at one point, I loved him fiercely maybe more than he deserved. The hardest truth I’ve learned? No matter how much you give, real growth can’t happen in a place that refuses to nurture you.

Years later: new country, new face, new soul. Through healing and transformation, I’ve learned that growth takes time, patience, and persistence. When we love ourselves, we attend to our own growth. When we attend to our growth, it means we are caring for ourselves. Which means directing our energy and attention to who we want to become. It takes courage to grow just like a seed facing the world alone. There are countless directions to go and so much uncertainty, fear, and resistance along the way. But with resilience, patience, and persistence, we slowly become who we’re meant to be.